Faith Beyond The Chains

No recognition in the brown of her eyes
i miss the touch of her voiced memories
one by one they vanish leaving me with sorrow
and her with outbursts fuelled by frustration

We continue to guess what may be the cause
surmise to bring small comforts
conclusions masked with bitter hurt
but there are no winners here at all

Endless hallways tiled with failed circumstances
fallen between the cracks awaiting fulfillment
become dormant part of the crumbled plaster
given up by the deteriorating walls of hope

Heavy chained to the demon
barred from reality there is no key
the lock corroded with prescriptions of
empty promises bandaids for remaining life

 

KJS2018

Dedicated to my dear mom who battled dementia for over 8 years, and went home to Glory July 5, 2017 on the wings of angels and a song by her 5 robins ❤

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The Farewell

Summer skies evolve
into Autumn greys
extending limits
of no return

Chilly winds dictate
a cloak of caution
in return giving security
against uncertainties

Comforting glances
just remnants of fabric
past garments of familiar
caresses and smiles

Melodies of heaven
beckon a weary soul
stanzas reach between realms
constricted in earthly struggle

love gathers on every side
farewells channelled through
hearts and tears that release
robins song GRACE she is home

 

KJS2018

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Ravelled Rainbows

 

Leading up to July 5th, and here on after…
I love you mom…….

I do not just remember on this day, but every day.

When you come into this world, birthed by your mothers hard labour of love,
there is instant trust, and with each day that passes this trust of love grows to the strength of your whole being. As you grow and the world changes around you, one thing remains constant, strong and true, your mother’s love.
The love I speak of is now contained within my very being, stored up throughout the years for such a time as this
Never in all my years did I once give it a passing thought, a hint of worry, that I would not have my mother, she was always there, no matter what, when , how or when…she was always there!

Through eight years of caregiving for this generous precious soul I call mother, I can honestly say I stayed focused on her, not the what ifs…. and I have such wonderful memories, stored up from each moment spent with her.
There is too much to write, and the words continue to fail me as I dare describe what she means to me, and how I miss her touch however, I was blessed to have a peek into the very depths of her heart and soul before, between, and on the other side of that horrific disease dementia that she carried as her burden, her last struggle in this life. I can honestly say, “God bless you mom! I love you! You are alive in my heart and alongside of me through the rest of my journey here on this earth, Thank you”!

 

I feel the touch
of her warm weathered hand
her soft gentle voice
as it carries my soul,
over the years
to once upon her knee
where safe in her arms
I could weather my storms

In mind once traced
the lines of her face
etched in my heart
a canvas of love,
remembering whens
making changes along the way
revealing dreams
of her hearts hidden schemes

Ravelled edges
of hidden rainbows
remnants of joy
created through,
sunshine and tears,
In search of one memory
to take comfort in life
oh just one little memory!

Hushed melodies
once songs of faith
trickle through the
hidden corridors of loss,
beating against her armour
riveting waves that
fashion and fabricate
her very inner soul

The cool dew
caresses her toes
as she runs through
the meadows
with her loved ones
earthly battle vanishes
through her realm
of continual joy

Lovingly,
Kathy

KJS2018

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Silent Crosses and Hushed Tears

Silent crosses
scrape the earthy
floor of my heart
creating trenches
of sadness and heartbreak

I try to lift
the crosses
so they are not so heavy
my shoulders are tired
my chest is weak

looking downward
the brown murky dirt
meets my gaze
so dry so dusty
I pray for rain
to wash away the ache

Hushed tears
fill the trenches
with each step
footprints are graved
filled with faint hope
but mostly dread

Change is needed
prayer is choked
with vines of doubt
fear of voicing hurts
words are left unspoken
the ache continues

KJS

 

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Apartment 208

 

For many years there has been happiness, laughter, tears, worry, prayer, faith, hope, and above all love between these walls.

Emotional day tomorrow as I hand back the keys to this little apartment that served as a home for my beautiful mom and dad.

Although the move into this apartment was another stage of life for mom and dad, the move happened because of health reasons for both. The stairs were just to much for dad, and mom was already showing signs of early dementia, and this building had many connections to benefits that would be in place for when they were needed.

Throughout the years mom and dad were faced with so many trials, but their love for one another seemed to create a fence of protection to this cruel world of reality.

Now to many it was just another apartment, another place where Lawrence and Holly lived, their visitors were not in abundance, and especially when mom was diagnosed with mixed aggressive dementia the visitors seemed to become even more sparse; if dad noticed he did not voice his disappointment, he was to busy becoming caregiver and taking on another life, the life of his love Holly. He would become her memory, her shadow of her life, and almost rob dad of his very own life.

God does everything in His own time, and His timing was this Spring. First mom was placed into Rockwood a Long Term Care Home, and soon to follow my daddy. There of course is a lot of go betweens this paragraph, but through the struggles and hardships our perseverance and faith has paid off.

For the last seven years the two and a half hour drive we would make almost every weekend to apartment 208 seemed to become shorter and shorter as the urgency and love became reality and apart of our lives. Although the care load increased through the many stages my heart never got tired of hitting the buttons #22 and to hear dads voice say, “apartment 208” 🙂 the ride up in the elevator, and the walk down the hall and seeing my mom and dads faces peering around the corner, until dad had to keep the door locked and barred due to the severity of moms dementia. I will never forget the creek of the door labelled 208, the familiar scent of dads cooking, A5 35 and dad hollering come on in, and mom saying come here, don’t let scamper out!

Too many memories to pen today, but they are in my heart and will forever remain for future recollections.

This past week has been very hectic and with no complaints I say my plate has been full, but to my wonderful surprise, my dear hubby and my wonderful sister June surprised me and went and worked so very very hard, and so many hours at completing the final clean out and packing and moving of apartment 208. My heart is so thankful and words don’t express my gratitude.

Tomorrow I will go and do my final walk through and in my heart hear feel and sense the love happiness and pain of apartment 208. I will say my final so long to another chapter in my parents dear lives, and although the apartment has been scrubbed from top to bottom it can never erase all these cherished times, treasured memories I will hold in my heart and life forever.

After I hand the keys over I will cry because I know me, but I will dry my tears and go to Rockwood and celebrate dads 79th birthday with him, I will laugh and cry and talk about happy things, we will talk about mom’s return to Rockwood on Monday from Owen Sound hospital where the doctors have done an amazing job of levelling out her medications. We will rejoice together of the countless blessings through trials and with taking one day at a time move forward in creating more treasured times and memories in their new home Rockwood.

Another chapter in my parents lives, I am truly blessed to be apart in the making of these memories, and will forever cherish every minute spent making them.

So – long apartment 208 thank you for keeping my parents safe and holding their memories between your walls for years to come.
Kathy

Harbour Of Grace

When do I designate it a distraction ?

I lose my way in the wilderness of my being
existence only in the shell of my world
I create walls of shattered thoughts
mortar that crumbles beneath my feet

Weary I crawl and claw my way
through brambles and thorns
leaving surface scars of my journey

Do I ever reach the thought I’m thinking?

Will it every become an expression?

My words are scrambled as I fight for clarity
puzzle pieces have been lost and dropped
Will the canvas ever be whole again?

My harbour is vanishing before my very eyes
the lights are dimming in the thick dense fog
I’m prepared to lose the battle
my body is tired and growing heavy
tired of the struggle to stay afloat

Oh let me sink beneath the surface
the life line threads are unraveling
I am at peace my soul knows the way
inner peace welcomes me,
cloaks me with warmth and assurance
my soul is safe I am freed from this demon

I made it my feet touch the golden streets!

KJS©

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Calvary

From the window
of my heart
my soul is
cast in shadow

The drops of rain
that hit the pane
are flowing
from my eyes

Sensed release
it graces mind
as through life
I cast a glance

I read the chapters
one by one
how each trial
came through the fire

With each dawn
I call upon Calvary
re visit His blood
that covers my sin

Prevailed against
short comings to fault
I reach redemption
silver chord of hope

KJS©