Silent Prayers Of Dementia

There are days when the rays
light the path to expectation
a glimmer of understanding
through a light touch
it thrills my heart
and lets me know
I m not alone

Many are the afternoons
when the clouds gather
I wait to see the break
…oft so many times
they will darken
anxious storms
are near

Lonely nights stretch into days
restless waiting for dreams
exhausted with counting
mirage of shadows
through meshed
confusion my
voice is silent

In this blackness a silent soul
finds an arbour of conveyance
through the dark He walks
holding my hand and
hearing my prayers
silent assurance
set free
~
KJS

 

Wrote this #poem awhile ago while I stood in the shadows of this giant demon #dementia …. So thankful our dear mother is now at peace ❤ safe within the arms of her Lord and reunited with her family and friends who went before her ❤ Her silent prayers were heard….

 

In loving memory of my dear mother who passed away July 5, 2017 at 7:30 in the morning while her robins sang a song of peace.

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Apartment 208

 

For many years there has been happiness, laughter, tears, worry, prayer, faith, hope, and above all love between these walls.

Emotional day tomorrow as I hand back the keys to this little apartment that served as a home for my beautiful mom and dad.

Although the move into this apartment was another stage of life for mom and dad, the move happened because of health reasons for both. The stairs were just to much for dad, and mom was already showing signs of early dementia, and this building had many connections to benefits that would be in place for when they were needed.

Throughout the years mom and dad were faced with so many trials, but their love for one another seemed to create a fence of protection to this cruel world of reality.

Now to many it was just another apartment, another place where Lawrence and Holly lived, their visitors were not in abundance, and especially when mom was diagnosed with mixed aggressive dementia the visitors seemed to become even more sparse; if dad noticed he did not voice his disappointment, he was to busy becoming caregiver and taking on another life, the life of his love Holly. He would become her memory, her shadow of her life, and almost rob dad of his very own life.

God does everything in His own time, and His timing was this Spring. First mom was placed into Rockwood a Long Term Care Home, and soon to follow my daddy. There of course is a lot of go betweens this paragraph, but through the struggles and hardships our perseverance and faith has paid off.

For the last seven years the two and a half hour drive we would make almost every weekend to apartment 208 seemed to become shorter and shorter as the urgency and love became reality and apart of our lives. Although the care load increased through the many stages my heart never got tired of hitting the buttons #22 and to hear dads voice say, “apartment 208” 🙂 the ride up in the elevator, and the walk down the hall and seeing my mom and dads faces peering around the corner, until dad had to keep the door locked and barred due to the severity of moms dementia. I will never forget the creek of the door labelled 208, the familiar scent of dads cooking, A5 35 and dad hollering come on in, and mom saying come here, don’t let scamper out!

Too many memories to pen today, but they are in my heart and will forever remain for future recollections.

This past week has been very hectic and with no complaints I say my plate has been full, but to my wonderful surprise, my dear hubby and my wonderful sister June surprised me and went and worked so very very hard, and so many hours at completing the final clean out and packing and moving of apartment 208. My heart is so thankful and words don’t express my gratitude.

Tomorrow I will go and do my final walk through and in my heart hear feel and sense the love happiness and pain of apartment 208. I will say my final so long to another chapter in my parents dear lives, and although the apartment has been scrubbed from top to bottom it can never erase all these cherished times, treasured memories I will hold in my heart and life forever.

After I hand the keys over I will cry because I know me, but I will dry my tears and go to Rockwood and celebrate dads 79th birthday with him, I will laugh and cry and talk about happy things, we will talk about mom’s return to Rockwood on Monday from Owen Sound hospital where the doctors have done an amazing job of levelling out her medications. We will rejoice together of the countless blessings through trials and with taking one day at a time move forward in creating more treasured times and memories in their new home Rockwood.

Another chapter in my parents lives, I am truly blessed to be apart in the making of these memories, and will forever cherish every minute spent making them.

So – long apartment 208 thank you for keeping my parents safe and holding their memories between your walls for years to come.
Kathy

Harbour Of Grace

When do I designate it a distraction ?

I lose my way in the wilderness of my being
existence only in the shell of my world
I create walls of shattered thoughts
mortar that crumbles beneath my feet

Weary I crawl and claw my way
through brambles and thorns
leaving surface scars of my journey

Do I ever reach the thought I’m thinking?

Will it every become an expression?

My words are scrambled as I fight for clarity
puzzle pieces have been lost and dropped
Will the canvas ever be whole again?

My harbour is vanishing before my very eyes
the lights are dimming in the thick dense fog
I’m prepared to lose the battle
my body is tired and growing heavy
tired of the struggle to stay afloat

Oh let me sink beneath the surface
the life line threads are unraveling
I am at peace my soul knows the way
inner peace welcomes me,
cloaks me with warmth and assurance
my soul is safe I am freed from this demon

I made it my feet touch the golden streets!

KJS©

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Sacrifice

Samples of colour
splash my canvas
creating scenes
from glory palette
inspire to live
a giving life
to whom that
it was first given

Partake of thy soul
offer ones sacrifice
on the alter and
bend thy knee
pray to the God
from whence it came
refresh thy inner being
KJS©

Potential Miracles

Miracles
currents of
positive energy
creating
faith and hope

Our hearts
experience joy
and relay
courage
to go
another mile

KJS©

Everyones take on miracles is different. Someones miracle to others may seem like
just a stroke of luck, while to that person it could mean living another day.

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Tomorrow Is Monday

Today the sun is shining, it is Sunday.
I miss my mom
longing for the days
of feeling the sense
of belonging
everything is right
as she stands
arms outstretched
hanging the laundry
on the clothesline
I MISS MY MOM

Today I feel the warmth of the sun
I miss my mom
Spring is in the air
I need my mom
to come back
from the dark of dementia
my heart aches for
her original smile
without the lurking
of a disease
I’m unsettled
I feel her anxiety
I MISS MY MOM

Tomorrow is Monday

KJS©

Today I’m feeling selfish..

Write My Dream

I woke up
screaming
I cannot remember
I can’t feel
my heart is bursting
my chest exploding
tears streaming down
frantically I
search my mind
my heart
my soul
I broke the rail
at the top of the staircase
holding on tightly
sobbing
anxious
afraid
shaking uncontrollably
I cannot control
my tears
my fears
I can’t remember
my family
my girls
I see their faces
in blurred vision
I know them
where are they?
were they here?
I’m in a cold sweat now
praying
pleading
please remove
this memory
this dream
I woke at 4:20 AM
from this nightmare
Oh God spare me
spare my life
I’m afraid
my mom has dementia
and I don’t want
to inherit this demon

KJS©